So, at the beginning of the semester I got a new student. She's a bully and she makes my blood boil. I honestly don't know how to change a bully.
she has:
1) pinched a girl and twisted it, and smeared food on her shirt
2) kicked another girl in the shin
3) made fun of another girl so bad that she emailed me to tell me about it; she said she feels horrible about herself.
4) she denies all of it and then makes up false stories later on. (That's the best part!)
It's so hard not to react with anger and frustration. Yet, I'm pretty sure I'll get no where with her if I continue to yell at her and tell her that I know she's lying (I know, classy thing to do, right?)
I'm thinking that she needs to talk to the counselor, especially because she's new. Also, she came from a low income school where her parents say this was normal stuff. Nice. Her parents are incredibly kind and articulate, and they swear that she's never gotten in trouble like this before.
What do I do, seriously? How do you lead hormonal preteen to stop a vicious cycle of lying that's been engrained in her soul? Deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie, fabricate stories, get off the hook. There's rarely any proof of anything, especially when dealing with this age group.
Do I respond with love and compassion? That seems to be the Christian answer, and it would also make me feel a lot better about how I handle the situation. I just get so outraged that she would lie to my face. WWJD? I hate that phrase, but I mean it in all seriousness.
Please help,
firstyearteacher
Girl. I have about five of those in my class. I haven't found the magic answer yet either, but here are some thoughts:
ReplyDelete- All of that is coming from SOMEWHERE. Maybe try talking with her and just asking her what's going on. Talking with them one on one can actually do awesome things. :) Try and figure out / help her figure out what is going on and why she is acting this way or why she feels like she needs to act this way. THEN, you can come up with some solutions or other ways for her to deal with those issues than bullying her classmates. Basically, "It's okay to feel this way, but we need to figure out some other ways for you to work through that." Or maybe it's just a "This was okay at your old school, but it's not okay here" conversation. Talk to her and find out what's up. :)
- Like, maybe she gets frustrated because she's at a new school and it's totally different. Or maybe she has a lot of junk that she's dealing with at home, or with her friends from her old school. So instead of taking those frustrations out on others, maybe give her a journal that she can write in whenever she starts to feel that way.
- I don't know if you have a "peace center" in your room, or just a quiet corner away(ish) from the craziness, but with my kids it helps to have that area for them to go cool off / write / "get it together." A "peace center" is also an awesome way to teach students how to talk out their problems in a productive way, and it's actually really cool to watch this happen in the classroom. So maybe the case is, "Yeah, I kicked her in the shin, but she always does [this thing] which bugs me, so that's why I kicked her." So you send them to the peace center and they can have that conversation. So ideally, they come back with a "peace plan" (that they write together and then give to you) which talks about ways that they decided they can fix the problem/s. Sometimes this works GREAT, and sometimes not so much- I think it really depends on the kids involved.
- Something else that works well for some of my kids are individual behavior contracts. You might try working on/thinking up one of those and get her involved in it. Let her help you design it.
- Definitely get the counselor involved. Use those resources! :)
...maaaaybe you've already tried all these things, but I thought I'd give them to you just in case. Like I said, sometimes they work great and sometimes they don't at all, but trust me, I feel your frustration. I hope some of this helps!
Weirdly enough, my school is a low income school, and one of the biggest bullies in our class changed schools at the beginning of the semester - maybe she ended up in your class...
Okay, so I actually emailed admins and the counselor, and we have an amazing program called peer mediation. They have trained peers and an adult sponsor sit and talk with both parties to try to get to the root of the problem, and then they help them make a plan to avoid those issues.
ReplyDeleteThe counselor is actually going to meet with the bully and the allegedly kicked student, and the other student might opt for peer mediation. I just want to be DONE with this!
@above comment: I'm not sure if I really want to know if this is the same bully.....
As much as I would like to think that I could remain objective, it might just make me biased against her and help her perpetuate a life of lying and never becoming a secure, well-adjusted person.
On the other hand, it would give definite leverage to possibly innocent other parties... raaaaaa. Dilemma.
Peer mediation is the BEST. I was a peer mediator in 5th grade, it was super cool. :) And I agree for sure, definitely better to keep her identity out of it, i just thought it was a funny coincidence, but I doubt it's the same one. What are the chances?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, hopefully there is relief and a solution in your future. :) Good luck!
I recommend that you pinch her back.
ReplyDelete